


Part of Me and Yet No Part

by Azar



Series: The Christmas Child Trilogy [1]
Category: The X-Files
Genre: Christmas, Episode Related, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-11
Updated: 2011-11-11
Packaged: 2017-10-25 22:30:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/275545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azar/pseuds/Azar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mulder's thoughts after Scully tells him about Emily.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Part of Me and Yet No Part

**Author's Note:**

> Written shortly after "A Christmas Carol" aired, before "Emily." Kind of sappy but, um, I was in my early twenties when I wrote it? ;-)

Scully has a daughter.

I feel numb, almost as much so as I did when Kurt Crawford told me that all the women who'd been abducted had been rendered sterile. I should be happy for her, glad that the piece of womanhood that had been so viciously ripped away from her has been given back now. But I can't, and in a twisted way it's part of the same reason that hurt me so much to learn that she was barren.

Emily isn't mine.

I know I'm not supposed to have those sorts of dreams--she's my partner, only a co-worker, or so I tried to tell myself. But from the moment Scully first expressed the desire to one day be a mother, sitting on that bench in the podunk town of Home, Pennsylvania, I couldn't get the image out of my mind. The image of having a baby placed into my arms, an infant blessed with her hair and eyes but cursed with my nose. A baby that would be a living, breathing testimony to what I have felt for her so long now that I can no longer remember not loving her.

Yes, I love her. I love her so much that if I had the courage, I would fall on my knees and propose to her tomorrow. But I'm afraid of losing her, of losing our partnership, and so I continue on in silence. And I know that even if I ever find that courage, part of the dream will never come true. We will never have a child together.

Now she has a child, a daughter I already love as if she were my own, even knowing she is not and never can be. I can't go back and rewrite her DNA to weave mine into it, as much as I want to. The greatest miracle in the life of the woman I love and I can never be fully a part of it.

I wonder if They knew, when They did that to her, that They were taking it away from me as well? Did they mean to strike us both down with this one, shattering blow? Or was it maybe meant to place a wall between us, to divide us by giving her something we could never share?

Whatever the answer may be, it doesn't matter anymore. Either way, my heart is still breaking.


End file.
